I was having a particularly merciless bout of insomnia and so I tried to keep my nighttime activities as inane as possible to bore myself to sleep. I read a boring book I have been trying to finish since 2008. No dice (no luck finishing the book either, I found my mind wandering to cheerier places at every paragraph). I stared at the ceiling until the agiw annoyed me; it was 5:37 AM, the birds were chirping outside, and it won’t be long before the neighbor nearest my window started belting out his shower concert (While I am all for cultivating a healthy imagination, I must point out that imagining yourself to have a good singing voice has cost a number of people their lives in unfortunate karaoke bar incidents, but I digress). And so I did the unthinkable and decided to clean up my cell phone inbox.
For most people, that activity is routine, perfunctory, automatic. I, on the other hand, who is a packrat for scribbled notes passed between conspirators in class and during meetings and a collector of letters and even the most insignificant of gift tags, tend to keep text messages that I find funny, interesting, profound or memorable (the peak of this alarming accumulation is signaled by my phone saying that it has no space for new messages). Yep, that longwinded introduction all leads to one point, the collection of little stories I’ve collected over the years that are clogging up my inbox.
There’s a back story on each message of course, and I’ll supply them when necessary (read: if I remember the back story in question, the oldest message in my inbox is dated 06-24-2006). Also, I’ve spelled out all the words in the sometimes truncated messages since this is a post and doesn’t require the brevity of SMS.
“Stupid QJ. It’s like the bastard boyfriend you never liked who dumped you for no apparent reason.” – wasabikid (This message was sent to me during a time of great distress in the company we used to work for. In a sense, his statement is applicable to all companies who dump you out on the street for no reason.)
“Exes deserve to rot in hell.” – wasabikid (This axiom really doesn’t need an explanation, just a thought though: Barring things like celibacy, utter hideousness, bad karma, and the cosmos’ spite, among others, everybody is somebody’s ex. Following the syllogism would then lead to “Everybody deserves to rot in hell,” which is true or false depending on your perspective. Should fiery debate spring forth from this, I’ll be at the Third Circle if you need me.)
“Where’s the darn roll eyes smiley when you need it!” – Chris Coker (He’s Chris #9 in my phonebook. *rolls eyes*)
“And whoever said gamers are airheads, they’re dead wrong.” – Lei (This was after a particularly long and arduous play through of Crisis Core, one particular puzzle frustrated her no end so she turned and asked me, who was equally clueless.)
“I shall eradicate them pests once and for all! They lived through a bajillion years only to face extinction by my hands. Bwahahahahaha!” – Rica (This maniacal text message might lead you to believe that she was talking about exterminating the males of this species, but she was of course talking about equally abhorrent creatures: cockroaches. There’s Rica, her tsinelas in one hand and bug spray in the other, freeing the world from pests one squash at a time.)
“Wow, fine. Exterminate the male of the species by all means.” – Rica (This one is the reply to my reply to the above message. If I remember right, I said something along the lines of “Why not exterminate all pests, for that matter? I’ll help with a certain type of pest that has been a source of my annoyance for years.”)
“May comment si Luke. Sabi ko mas gusto ko pag gaganti ako, uunti-untiin ko ang paniningil. Comment nya, nabasa nya na ganun nga raw mga babae unlike sa lalake na one time, big time gumanti. Sabi ko, ‘Where’s the fun in that?’” – Rica (For political correctness and for all intents and purposes, Luke shall be henceforth called Rica’s fiancé, or if you want to be really technical: he-who-will-own-half-of-the-conjugal-property.)
“E masungit ka naman talaga to start with. Natuto ka lang ngumiti ng walang mata kaya akala nila mabait ka. Hahaha!” – Rica (This claim is further backed by my best friend Ayee’s Christmas present for 2009, a mug emblazoned with the words “Do I Look Like A Freakin’ People Person.” I still maintain that while I can be crabby and irate at times, it’s all because nearly all of my friends are bratty and demanding.)
“Gets ko na kung bakit hellbent (Ahaha!) si The Omen manghiram ng phone ko. It’s rabu-rabu!” – Rica
“Yun nga din naisip ko.” – Me
“Ba’t di ko naisip yun? Nag-eextend na beyond myself ang denseness ko (na di naman totoong meron)? Hahaha!” – Rica (This epic exchange puts Rica’s density rating – and feeble denial – into the limelight.)
“Ah yes, the kangkungan is a lonely place to be.” – Rem (When I think about it, everybody knows about the proverbial kangkungan, but why hasn’t a self-help book been entitled “The New Dumpee Bible: How to Get Out of the Kangkungan” or “The Kangkungan and I: Blasted Break-Up Stories”?)
“Sabi nga nila, magbiro ka na sa lasing, wag lang sa wala pang gising.” – Lei (Long story short, I was cranky after a bout of this blasted insomnia. Sometimes, I wish I had the ability to sleep at will or at a word from the teacher like a kindergartener at nap time.)
“So ganun na yun! First one’s a chenelar, second one’s a kemerlu, and third one’s a chorva.” – Lei (She asked me about a certain saying that went in that ordinal manner – first one’s a _____, second one’s a _____, and third one’s a _____, and for that life of me, I couldn’t remember it. So I replied with the word that leapt into my mind at the time to fill in the blanks: keme, the Gayspeak equivalent of dealie.)
“That company is not the sun, man. The world does not revolve around it.” – Me (I sent this message to a person who was so obsessed with a previous company he worked for that it was all he talked about 90 percent of the time. I liked it so much I forwarded it to Rica who forwarded it back to me with a comment, “Nainis ka na?”)
“Ah well, she said it’s just stress. Then she asked me: ‘What could you possibly be thinking of? You’re only 26.’ I just smiled, at the back of my mind I said, ‘Oh, you have no idea.’” – Lei (I asked her to go for a checkup after she complained of chest pains. I’m guessing the doctor was from a generation far removed from the notion of call centers.)
“Convo with Bujip:
Me: Favorite din ni Jake yang sinigang tulad mo. Pero mas gusto mo si Kuya Josh kaysa kay Jake no?
Bujip: Pero ang totoo, mas gusto ko ng carrots.
Hay.” – Rica (Bujip is her imp of a little cousin. At five, he’s already causing people around him to spontaneously tear their hair out and whenever I see him, I want to become a nun.)
“Yarp, and much like Kirk, I’ve been hitting on every alien female I can find.” – Chris Coker (I will have to dig up the name of the Xbox 360 game we were discussing at the time. Still, several pieces of information can be gleaned from the 15 words in the message. One, that William Shatner’s Captain Kirk has been deeply impressed in poor Chris’ psyche; and two, that William Shatner as Captain Kirk wearing the Spandex-like uniform and saying stuff like “Phasers on stun” can and will be deeply impressed in anybody’s subconscious and will stay there until the High Lord Trekkie lets out a Vulcan Fart. Chris, I hope you find that roll eyes smiley soon.)
“Some men just don’t get PMS, do they?” – Me
“Nope. Not even when their lives depend on it.” – Lei
“Hahaha! Ang sagot mo, ‘I’m very patient, but I spit acid with deadly accuracy.’” – Rica (In a previous job interview, I was asked how I dealt with corpo bitches given to publicly screaming at her minions, effectively unleashing an emotional flogging. ‘Corpo bitches’ came from them, not me. My answer was, “You can yell at me all you like if I was at fault. But if it wasn’t at all my fault, you can expect me to yell back.” I passed that interview, apparently, they wanted somebody who can swim with sharks, run with wolves, and fearlessly cavort with other wild animals like some species of politicians, members of the entertainment media, and socialites. While I could readily put on my safari hat and fake a funny accent, I was not quite ready to jump into the wilds with only a pen as a weapon and the cameraman as the only other protein source other than my hide.)
“Gusto ko bang mag-apply sa isang kumpanyang nag-text ng, “Pls cum 4 ur enetial enterview”? It’s so wrong in so many ways.” – Karen Kulotsky the Carebear (I couldn’t blame her for not showing up for an “enetial enterview.” The entire SMS sounds like a whole new odious level of sexual harassment. I’ve wondered whether the HR person who sent it was: a. dyslexic, b. hung over, c. suffering from a mental condition brought on by reading and watching too much porn, d. trying to bring more ‘excitement’ to his job, so to speak, or e. high. Or was he f. all of the above?)
“Mabie. Were you aware that he is wearing dreadlocks now? I’d call them shitlocks if I weren’t feeling kind today.” – Me. (Rule of thumb: there are very few people who can pull off wearing dreads, Spandex, and tight pants, among other things. For tips, listen to “Pretty Fly for a White Guy.” At this point, I’m still being kind.)
“I wanted to laugh out loud but I’m walking on Paseo, people might think I’m an axe-murderer. Which I am, but I want to kill without warning.” – Me (This is still in context to the above message. I was walking from Paseo de Roxas to Greenbelt, on my innocent way meeting with Rica and Mabie.)
There was a time when somebody sent me a lengthy forwarded message that was more like a self-serving slumbook survey (ooh, alliteration!), one of those things that went “If you like me, reply Hi Cute. If you consider me a good friend, reply Hi Girl. If you consider me pretty, reply Hi Gorgeous. If you think I’m…” and so on and so forth. If I had spare load credits that day, I would’ve replied, “Who’s this?” – which, I noted, was not included in the survey. I was not being mean-spirited or anything, it’s just that the sender’s number wasn’t registered in my phonebook.
