Yuppie Humor: Keep your hands to yourself

Posted by Rio S.

If you are an average young underpaid professional – meaning carless – you have been and continue to trek through the First Circle of Yuppie Hell: commuting to and from work. Commuting is a long and treacherous experience in itself, as well as wrought with irony. In my experience, defying the laws of physics (specifically the one that states that only one body can occupy one space at one time) on a daily basis, never mind the drivers who were kamikaze pilots in their past lives, is a bit trying on my patience.

Now, on a really unlucky day, you might find yourself face to face with bastards who can’t seem to keep their hands to themselves. Thankfully, that type of scum has kept their distance from me, but a couple of my friends were not so lucky. Actually, I think the unluckier ones were the bastards themselves.

One morning, I dragged my carcass to the office and a colleague came up to me as soon as I open the door, “Have you heard about Mai’s two-hit combo?”

Me: Two-hit combo? Nope, what’s that?

Colleague, whom we shall henceforth call Ahorney recounts: Well, a barker at the bus stop touched her inappropriately and well, she gave him a one-two.

(He demonstrated what a “one-two” was.) It was a knee to the barker’s ouchie area and when he doubled over, she delivered an elbow to the back of said barker’s neck.

My friend Annabs, who is made of a different kind of awesome, did not resort to violence. While on a bus going home at 3AM, an uncouth pervert grabs her ass.

Annabs, tired and a bit drunk: Okay lang yan pare, lalaki rin ako dati. (That’s okay man, I was a guy once too.)

Then the guy standing next to pervert bursts into laughter in pervert’s face as pervert stares at his offending hand.

Ordinary bus fare from Munoz to Evangelista: 30 or so pesos; horror-stricken look on pervert’s face: priceless.

So let this be a lesson to all girls out there, when faced with a pervert, don’t just go WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) and offer the other cheek (that was a bad pun, but I can’t help it), you have options: go Rocky on their asses or go for psychological scarring which is far faaaar more diabolical, in my opinion.